On Independence

Ever since I was young, my parents have always emphasized the importance of being your own person. They always told me to make my own decisions, walk my own path. For the longest time, a treasured those words of advice. I grew up trying to leave my own stamp on the world, doing things that I loved and enjoyed regardless of what others thought. I truly strove for complete and utter independence, a force to be reckoned with all on my own. However, over the past few years, I have grown to resent the idea of independence. My life as a high school student is coming to a close, and I have come to the terms with the fact that at the end of this summer, I will have to leave my family and friends, those who have been there for me through thick and thin, to go be independent. But I don't want independence. I want the love and comfort of my sister. I want to drive ten minutes and be snuggled in with my cousins watching a movie and ignoring the problems of my insignificant world. Now, don't get me wrong. I know this is all a process. But in the grand scale of thins, shouldn't parents be espousing interdependence? If every one in the world could feel comfortable relying on each other, being there for each other, supporting each other, if we could all just depend on each other... wouldn't that be a better way? Although idealistic, my wish is that the next generation realizes how much everyone relies on each other. And although it is proper and good to make your own decisions, why not make choices based that benefit someone who depends on you?

Im supposed to be working really hard on something right now. Some class Im stuggling in lingers as just another bad grade right around the corner. But tonight, I find myself oddly relaxed. As a member of this AP English class, I assume most of you who will read this blog are top notch students. The kind of students who have been getting those A's all their lives. Students who feel the pressure they put on themselves, the pressure from their parents, and the pressure of the bright futures ahead of them. However, I encourage all of you, and myself, to breathe. I was walking to my car after school today. The ground seemed to shake under every step. I had been caring around the weight of two possibly failed quizes in my chest all day, and I felt if I could only get to the car before the tears got the best of me, I could consider this day a success. I could feel the sun warming my cheeks but as I passed every person on the sidewalk, I felt like they were looking right through my skin into the pathetic mess I was inside. It was embarassing and I felt uncomfortable as myself, a feeling I only experience when I let myself breakdown in front of others. As I looked to my car with the hope of a sanctuary, I saw my little sister. She was leaned against the car, waiting for me to unlock it. I think she sensed the panic in my eyes as I approached. She simply said, "Just one of those days, huh?". It was hard to hold anything in as I cried to her driving home. She listened reverently, only interjecting when I was lost for words. Finally, when I was done telling my sob story she said, "You still got me, you big baby" I laughed...you know... that laugh you let out when you dont feel like crying anymore. Its often snaughty and gross, but offers a sweet sense of relief. I realized that although she was just trying to soothe me, even if for only a moment, I would always have my sister. Not only would I always have my sister, I would always have my brother. And my good friends, and my cousins, and my boyfriend. And I could always know that if I always tried to do best by them and by me, I would have love in this world. And really, what more is there?

Some of the most peaceful times in my life have been spent outdoors. I'm not an avid adventurist or obsessed with taking long walks on the beach. I'm an average girl, who spends just as much time lying in her bed texting as she does scaling mountains. However, I have never been one to underestimate the beauty and serenity a person can find within themselves when they take a chance to be a part of the natural world. The love and appreciation I have for all things simple and pure came from my father and mother. Since I was a child I have slept in beds draped in cotton sheets, I have lived in modest and comfortable homes furnished with worn wood furniture and down pillows. I have listened to artists idolize an average life filled with extraordinary events. I have been taught to vaue things like family and friendship above all else. And I have been taken on so many camping trips its impossible to count. Since I was a child, my parents have emphasized living one with nature, simplictiy, and love in all aspects of my life. However, it was in planning our family vacation around the next part of the country we wanted to camp in that I fell in love with the great outdoors and with spending time with my family. It was in these moments, living in nature, that I truly considered myself happy. I can remember camping on the Husatonic River as a child, sitting on my father's lap as our raft floated lazily through the forest. I would laugh at the fish in the water as he let me lean close enough over the edge to dip the tip of my nose in while he held onto my life vest. I can remember huddling around a fire when the night swooped in around the campsite but no one wanted to sleep quite yet. I can remember taking long walks on paths that wound their way across mountain tops and along the cliffs overlooking the ocean with the first boy I ever loved. I can remember scrubbing dirty dishes in a basin side by side with my sister, spashing each other and putting soap in our hair. I can remember holding my brothers hand as we jumped from rocks overlooking the great pools of water that gathered below us. In these moments, living purely and simply in nature, I developed my favorite memories. It was when I pulled myself away from schoolwork, sports, television, and my computer, that I truly appreciated the company I was keeping and the world around me.